Yang Berlalu dan Yang Akan Datang

It's like what? Almost 3am in the morning? And I'm like what? Not sleeping? I guess this is how I party during the holiday. By sleeping very late and then sakit kepala pada keesokan harinya. Biasanyalah aku akan sakit kepala tapi so far semua baik2 je.

Aku harap berterusanlah begini. Tak sakit kepala walaupun tidur lambat.

Actually tak adalah sepanjang cuti aku tidur lambat. Adalah dalam sekali dua. 

Tapi tak apalah. I really need this rest. Kem harituh memang rabak jugak mental dan fizikal. So far itu antara kem yang paling menguji daya tahan kardiovaskular aku (lol). Despite the hardship, it was also an eye-opening experience so it wasn't all bad. Letih memang letih. Rabak memang rabak. But when I remember all the funny things that happened during the camp, I can't help but smile. The time spent together with my friends while carrying out our tanggungjawab as ajk, it was fun. Seriously.

Lol me and my love-hate relationship with unit uniform. I can never decide which feeling is more dominant. My hate towards it. Or the growing affection. 

Guess I can decide on that later.

The camp ended on Thursday afternoon but aku balik Jumaat malam sebab unit aku banyak lagi benda tak settle hari Khamis tu. Hari Jumaat waktu tengah hari baru semua benda settle. Maka, pada hari Jumaat yang indah itu, tinggallah aku sorang2 dekat aras aku so I decided to take a little walk. 

Aku jalan kaki sampai ke bus stop depan PFC. Lama jugak aku tunggu bas sebab tak ramai students yang tinggal. Cuti sem dah start since a week ago tapi disebabkan kem so we had to stay. But at that time budak degree memang kebanyakan dah balik, kadet pun kebanyakan dah balik, and well, yang tinggal mostly cuma budak-budak asasi, master dan juga staf2 UPM who only took up about 30% of UPM's population. 

It was weird, with hardly anybody around. But peaceful nonetheless.

Waktu aku naik bas tuh adalah beberapa orang student asasi. But tak ramai. 

Disebabkan tak ramai pelajar so bas tuh pusing satu UPM including serumpun so perjalanan memang agak lama sikit to complete one whole trip. I did not mind though. It was what I was hoping for anyway. 

I like riding the bus with no actual purpose oddly enough. Reminds me of my 3rd semester. I used to do it a lot. Riding the bus tanpa hala tuju. Just masuk mana-mana bus and pusing satu UPM.

Riding the bus alone helped me think back then. It was therapeutic in a weird way.

Tapi macam yang aku cakaplah. Aku dah lama tak buat macam tuh. Adalah sekali dua aku buat masa sem 4 tapi tak sekerap sem 3. Because sem 4 aku buat benda lain pulak. Aku jalan kaki pusing satu area kolej lembah. 

Jalan kaki dari KC sampai ke Astaka Seni. Then teruskan langkah ke arah PFC and balik KC guna jalan belakang through K5 and K6. Selalunya aku tak bawak apa-apa other than my phone and earphone. And adalah bawak RM2 sekali dalam poket kot tiba2 rasa haus and rasa nak beli air dekat vending machine.

Ada satu time tuh, aku jalan lama gila, lupa ada member nak singgah bilik. Dia dah sampai dekat bilik aku. Pastu dia tanya aku pergi mana. Aku pun explainlah. Then dia kata "Ohhh macam tuh eh? Patutlah kurus!" Aku berdekah jelah dengar. 

But actually aku lagi suka naik bas sebenarnya. Sebab lagi jauh boleh travel di samping ada air cond hehehe. So that was what I did.

My last day of my 2nd year of degree, I took the bus for the sake of sight-seeing. What can I say? I love cheap thrills. 

Sepanjang perjalanan tuh, sambil mata melihat pemandangan and enjoying the green scenery of UPM, I did a lot of thinking. Like a reflection session for all the things that happened during my 2nd year of degree.

A lot happened this academic year. It was really a roller-coaster ride. I learnt so much, gained a lot of experience, made a lot of new friends and also had the opportunity to strengthen existing friendships. 

To put it simple, banyak pengalaman yang mematangkan. Dan banyak benda yang aku belajar. Terutamanya dari kesilapan. Some things made me happy. While some, lets just say some of it were lessons that I will carry for a lifetime.  

My academic for instance. It went on a downward spiral this year and sad was definitely not enough to describe what I felt. I kicked start semester 4 with a poor result from the previous semester and it kinda set the tone for the whole sem. All the time I felt like I could've done better.  

Other than academic, there was that issue that was bugging me the whole semester.

That got me feeling like an idiot. I felt pathetic.

Almost all the time. And bila aku rasa yang masalah aku tu macam remeh, lagilah aku rasa pathetic. Like, it was remeh kan so why was I thinking about it too much? Banyak lagi benda yang lebih produktif yang boleh dibuat with my life but instead, I subconsciously decided that dwelling in self-pity was the best course of action.

And also, one of the few regrets that I have regarding my 2nd year of degree is the fact that, I may pushed a few people away from me, unintentionally. I was preoccupied almost all the time that I ended up spending less of my time with a few people. Other than that, I may, a couple of times, ignored certain people. I mean, not entirely ignoring them, but, not acting the same around them... as before.

Like, this one friend, dia cuba untuk bercakap dengan aku, tapi perbualan selalu tak serancak dulu. And a couple of times memang aku yang selalu ignore dia because the weird tension in the air was killing me. But I swear it wasn't intentional. I did it almost out of reflex. It did not help the fact that he was my classmate.

He was a genuinely nice person but he was confusing sometimes. And I was a mess all the time. Aku tengah serabut and the whole semester my feelings were messed up. The timing was just...

If it all happened during a different time then maybe. Maybe.

It really wasn't fair on his part though. Tapi nak minta maaf pun aku tak tau nak mukadimah macam mana.

I really regret it a lot. If only I was mature enough to handle such situation. Aku rasa dia pun sedar aku macam dah lain because he kept a safe distance. Tegur tuh tegur jugak but like I said, it wasn't like before.

A lot of things weren't like before anyway. A lot of aspects in my life have changed in the course of what? One year?

Honestly I wish I could fix things but I guess it's kinda late already. 

Well, a wise old man once said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live" (Albus Dumbledore).

However, if you could recall, previously I did say that some things did make me happy. It wasn't all bad. There were good times too.

I know I said that aku menyesal pegang tanggungjawab and being involved with these persatuan, unit uniform, events and all that. But bila aku fikir balik, mostly, I only remember the good things.

Without my involvement, aku takkan jumpa certain people and I would never be close to certain people. Especially dalam unit uniform.

Like, as of last year, I never even talk to half of the people that I'm talking to now. It kinda put things into perspective when I think about it that way. 

I was too caught up in the workload and I was stressed out. But now when there are no longer jobs to be done, I kinda miss it? Not the work of course. I mean the inbetweens. The moments in between moments. The small things. The pre-meeting small talks. The laughter, the bawang sessions, the fun, the joy.

Paling penting sekali, the friendship.

Yup. It wasn't all bad.

On the bright side, there are a few things that I've learnt throughout my 3rd and 4th semester though.

One of the things include the fact that you can't just ignore people and walk away like nothing happened. The people that you've ignored, they deserve an explanation. Especially when they are not clear on why they are being ignored.

And also, the most important thing that I've learnt, to be happy, you must let go of the things that are making you sad. You can't aim for happiness but at the same time holding on to your past. Bad past. It doesn't work that way. You need to let go.

And that is exactly what I'm doing.

I'm letting go.

p/s: Had a little meet up with my group of childhood friends yesterday. It felt good to see familiar faces after quite some time.

Which is also a gentle reminder that not everything from the past you should let go. The good ones stay.